abattist's Xanga

Going all the way...

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 02:25:10 GMT

Craig Groeschel, senior pastor of Lifechurch.tv, has written a new book called "Going All The Way." Now many of you may think it's about sex, but it's not. It's a book to help people plan, prepare, nurture or reconcile a marriage to center on Christ and find true peace through God's way of living within marriage.

If you're married- take a look at it, if you're wanting to get married- take a look at it, if you know someone married- take a look at it. It's something we can all think about as marriage deeply affects our world, our immediate families, our childhoods, and our futures.

I also would recommend looking at lifechurch.tv they have some awesome resources. While I was in Oklahoma City, I was able to attend frequently on Saturday evenings. It's truly a place that has found what God wants from them.

A Fragment of a Testimony...

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 13:53:23 GMT

For 4 weeks, I've been walking in a faith-led path, not really knowing where I'm going, but simply trusting that God will guide me. I'm seeking clarity. I'm giving God room and opportunities to live and work inside of my life. I'm meditating on scripture, serving people, silent time, praying, reading and meditating on scripted prayers, studied God's Word, compared myself to God, sketched and doodled in response to what He's doing to me, sang songs (mostly new ones from my heart, but a few commercial ones here & there), filled 2 journals with babbling, written notes on Facebook, spent time on the phone with friends, praying with a mentor, going to counseling, and so much more. Not only has God proven that He is present, but that when we give Him space, time and opportunity to affect us- He loves and embraces it.

I'm sitting here crying and have been for over 2 hours. I tell you that because most of us are afraid of crying. We're afraid to let tears fall down from our eyes. It's ok and while my tears are not because I'm sad, afraid, tempted, tired, confused or heartbroken... my tears are tears of deep joy, of wonder, of humility, of repentance... as if they were coming from the depths of my soul. I've never felt that, I've never felt connected to God, as if He were living in me, residing in my heart, my mind. As if His grandeur, magnificent mind, powerful hands, righteous, sacrificial, all-knowing self is squeezed into my 6' body. Maybe the tears are all those personal emotions, thoughts, beliefs, desires coming out of me while I let Him into me...

I was raised in a Christian home and was taught the importance of community found in The Church and the importance of gathering to be encouraged, reminded and fed the Word of God. At age 15 I accepted Jesus Christ in Deville, LA. It was a gathering of about 15 people (8 of whom were my family). I walked up front and shared with an older man (I don't even remember His name) that I wanted Jesus and that I no longer could live without Him. And as is customary in my faith background, I was baptized before those 15 people as a public demonstration of my acceptance of His forgiveness, righteousness, Spirit, and power in my life. It's a significant moment in my life.

Sometimes there are moments when He breathes newness into you. As you present yourself hollow, void, broken and needy before Him. He whiffs His breath, His word, His thoughts, His passions into you. It's amazing. It's so refreshing and humbling. It's also life changing. While I can admit to you this time in my life has been quite painful and will continue to be. It will continue to have many voids, much pruning, a lot of self-realization, downfalls, rises onto mountain tops, crying for hours, and much more. I prayerfully ask God that I learn and retain what He's showing and teaching me.

While I haven't heard about the things I thought that were important, I am assured that God will provide. He takes care of the birds, making sure they are fed, are sheltered and are able to fly. Therefore I must rest assured that He will take care of me, making sure I'm physically-spiritually-emotionally-&-mentally fed, sheltered, guided and have the ability to do what I need to do. If I continually ask, seek and knock He will provide beyond my expectations. He will show up at the opportune times and will guide me through the dry, weary, dreadful times of life and through the joyous, celebratory, wonderful moments. Each season will come and pass, but He will stay the same through it all; being who He is, what He is and how He is.

This evening as I continue to let tears fall down my cheek, off my chin and onto my hands and shirt... I come humbled, feeling loved, remembering how good, wonderful, magnificent, righteous, holy, just, powerful, willing, loving, merciful, sacrificial, worth of honor & praise, selfless, forgiving and concerned He truly is.

If you don't know Jesus. Ask. Seek. Request His presence. You may not feel transformed the instant God fills your life. You may not wake up tomorrow feeling like the world is going to be ok. You won't have all the answers. You won't understand some or almost all of the Bible. You won't find a community centered on Christ easily. You may not know His will. You will unfortunately sin again. You will fall off the happy wagon. You will be drug through sorrow and pain. You will be pruned. You will be accepted. You will be loved. You will be challenged. You will be favored. You will be forgiven. And you will walk forward in the Light, vulnerable for all the world to know... I'm a work of God in progress. Bear with my humanity and vast upon the moments I let God shine through me... You will be a Child of God in His loving arms.

A final note from God's Word...

"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Messiah is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." -1 John 5:15 tNIV

Friday, July 06, 2007

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 04:51:17 GMT

I'm keeping this post mostly spiritual… As I've experiences my 10^th Uplift, I am reflecting upon what God has done, said, revealed, shown, confirmed and stayed silent about. I continue searching for direction about the things I desire, I think I "need" and for myself to be clothed with compassion, humility, kindness, gentleness and patience as I try to be PRO-JESUS. These are my Uplift lessons learned…

LESSON #1 – Putting yourself first before others, is in fact ANTI-JESUS. The act of putting yourself first so you can get a better job, provide more for your family, get a better education, get more food, get better food, whatever- is simply in opposition to the message of Jesus Christ. The only question I have is- why do we cry "balance" when He calls us to be radical disciples of Jesus Christ. Why do we draw lines as to what God wants in our lives?

LESSON #2 – Don't go caving naked. Enough said.

LESSON #3 – How to determine if something is a need or want; simply see if whatever you are desiring or trying to get challenges you to be more Godly and live more Godly or quite the opposite. I have many personal examples on my mind about this one.

LESSON #4 – Glory is an honorable, noble, praise-worthy opinion of God and His thoughts. Therefore we should give Him all glory; meaning all our opinions about anything be centered on what God wants and what God has said. Simply stated, our political, religious, educational, whatever else thoughts and opinions should remind that world that God is honorable, noble and praise worthy.

LESSON #5 – Seek God first and don't let anything consume you. Don't let God's beauty found in nature, found in a campus, found in girls, or whatever else come between God showering you with grace, mercy, peace, forgiveness and goodness and you blessing God with your words, your attentive mind, your loving heart and your compassionate, humble spirit. Let those things interact, even when things suck.

LESSON #6 – God is more than good & fair. God is gracious & merciful. Consider these phrases when you read the story of the workers in the vineyard in Matthew 20. It may bring new light into your idea of who God is and how he acts.

LESSON #7 – Keep seeking God in the silence, in the Word, in stories, on television, in music, in nature, on canvas, in fasting, at church, at the urinal, or wherever else you can think of. We must continually seek God. I'm not quite sure what this looks like or means, but it's a lesson that's stuck in my head. I don't have a clue and haven't ever been able to successfully do it and to start right now will be at quite a tough point in my life. Sorry if I couldn't be of help about this one.

LESSON #8 – Love, love, love… and expect nothing in return. It's always the right thing to do.

Uplift #10

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 12:41:03 GMT

As I anticipate leaving for Uplift at Harding for the 10th time, I can't believe how much my life has changed because of the people involved with Uplift. I mean the campers, the sponsors, the speakers, the comedians, the artists, the musicians, the directors, everyone has made an impact on my life.

Uplift is a place that my heart yearns for. Somehow, through all the little nuances it's beautiful, wonderful and magical. I remember going as a little guy and I remember each year quite well. I remember the people that went with us when we had groups of 35 and a group of 6. It's great each time, beacuse I'm fed God's word on a big spoon (actually it's more like a rushing wave coming at me), I create relationships with people that people just don't understand, I learn new things, I feel young again, it makes me smile and remember how awesome it was when I was in the 9th grade (i'm crying right now), it reminds me of how things were simple and I didn't feel like I was too deep, it reminds me that God's still got a hand in my life and other's lives and I get to see that and be encouraged by that, it's the place where I've shared in baptizing 7 people that are very dear to me. It's a wonderful place for me and I will always cherish it and I hope that it never loses that special place in my heart.

This year I'm expecting something, but I'm not sure what. It's different- a new session I've never been to, new ideas, new campers, same old directors, some of the same speakers, the cheesy zoo crew, the fun activities, the entertainment, the 6 hour bus-ride. I'm expecting, I just hope I'm right on this feeling...

something God just said through me...

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 04:08:30 GMT

So I was talking to someone that I haven't in over 2 years, they randomly im'd me in an emotional time. I asked them immediatley "why did you im me?" because I had a feeling that God was apart of it.

Well, He was. After I let her read a conversation I just had, she was like "woah. i have had a horrible week because of stuff like that." and we continued to talk about how amazing it was that she chose to IM me from her list and not having spoken with me in years.

I stated this... "Some call it creepy... I call it God being glorious."

Just needed to share that.

highlight of my life

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 19:43:52 GMT

So, the last 5 days in New York was a highlight of my life, simply because it spoke so much about who I am and what I am about. I love people, relationships, time spent together. Sleeping in a hotel room with 8 guys reminded me of what Jesus and His early disciples did while he traveled. They probably didn't have as many strange conversations as we did though. I am also about enjoying life, taking hold of it and making it fun, no matter what it is. Life is not worth stressing over, worrying about- let God provide what we need, encourage and make each other laugh and celebrate the goodness that God has brought into our lives. I think we did that these 5 days; we definitely had some fun that celebrated the goodness of the relationship of Preston & Alana. God has been very good in that situation and I'm thankful for that!

So, just for my personal future reminder… here's a little jotting of what happened.

Day 1 - Missed Courtney, Greg had 20 delays, Alana thought our plane had a flat tire, found Eifel65 music fun and interesting, got tux at Men's Wearhouse, saw the Esposito's neighbors beautiful garden, had some good bratwurst, gelato moment #1 in Saratoga Springs, Greg upset about hotel room, Greg got over the hotel room situation, everyone was tired.

Day 2 – Woke up really early, driving to NYC, New York roads are interesting (they're exits are chronological no matter how far apart they are [34 miles to next stop]), feet out the window, Subaru/Volvo/Mercedes/VW/Toyota/BMW/Honda, where are all the freakin American cars? –oh! We're sitting in one.- Preston didn't want me touching any cars, parking lot attendants yelling at us because we got the wrong instructions, expensive parking ($31), NYC Subway, Subway broke down on way to the World Trade Center site, Hot Dogs, Puplia's in Little Italy, Katz's Deli (where I was the only one who got rude service- I bring it out in them), Preston on a horse in Chinatown, gigantic lobsters, Bryant Park, Where's the Pope?, Mayor Bloomberg, Police Cars going crazy, Bagpipes, Flag Day, NYPD harassing us, "I hate these cans, I'm a 20 ounce man", Flip Flops for all day walking (only Drew), yelling about directions, Greg going crazy on the Wii, Central Park, Drew is rude and yells at the ONE & ONLY friendly New Yorker he's ever met, Dolls in backpack, photos on the subway (remember- no flash, they're all paranoid), "it's ok to act gay, we're in NYC, no one cares." – Drew, checking out the map, wishing there was more time in NYC, people driving in reverse on the George Washington Bridge, Greg taking so many photos I'm surprised we haven't been mugged, shot, shanked and raped like all tourist are in NYC, wondering how to get to the bottom level of the GW Bridge, tiny little signs, until you're at the foot of the bridge when they put a HUGE sign in front of you to let you know you have arrived, begged Alana to let us have Day 3 start at noon, everyone was tired

Day 3 – Alana told us to be there at 11am, she wasn't there until 11:30- I could have slept 30 more minutes, smallest Subway in the world next to Ocean State Job Lot (a store I want to visit), Saratoga Springs State Park, Softball and 1 glove, Picnic, Alana puts sunscreen everywhere- even inside of Lee's ear so no one in her wedding photos has red skin, Frisbee under and through the tree (FUN!!!), Ian & 5 girls disappeared to use the restroom (that only took 45 minutes), We didn't get gelato before the rehearsal, We were late to the rehearsal and it was ok because Alana was late that morning (we seek Justice in all situations), the rehearsal with imaginary trees, sand, directions on the board, we didn't really learn much (just go with the flow on the day of the wedding), yummy Italian food at the rehearsal dinner, our fun table, Alana was nervous, "I'm Hard", growing love of candy coated almonds, pasta! everywhere, the icing on the cake was wonderful, we got gelato after dinner, fun times, fun times, everyone was tired.

Day 4 – The day has arrived. Lazy morning, tuxes start falling apart (bobby loses buttons, pants fall apart, no cuff links, shirts too big, and so on…), Target trip to get protractor – pens – post.it.notes. – lint roller – bowls – condoms – lubrication – and various other goods, the cash register breaks (photos available on my facebook albums), drew runs in to cracker barrel and people think he is crazy because he's running around getting a cracker jack box in a tuxedo at lunch time, the cash register at cracker barrel breaks so drew throws the lady 2 dollars and takes off (bobby has video of my exit), argument with Preston about how his future wife told everyone that we had to be there at 12:45- it was currently 12:45 "we're late!!!", still arguing at 1:00 that we should have been there 15 minutes ago, but it didn't matter as long as we were there for the ceremony, Jared gives us directions because he's been there because he was lost, photographer takes crazy photos of the guys, we wait under the tree, we become ushers and no one pays attention to us, I pass out programs, we wait under the tree, drew's tuxedo is very dirty (cotton, chocolate, white dust, and anything else you can imagine was over it at this point), Alana was beautiful, the groomsmen were sexy beasts, the bridesmaids were elegant, Preston looked like a butler, all the groomsmen but Jared wrote Preston notes on his vows (he laughed), Alana's ring came from a cracker jack box (not really- it only looked that way), we had a crazy waiter for the bridal party who wanted straight vodka- not water!, more photos, more photos, more photos, lots of food (steak on a piece of toast with caramelized onions, sesame chicken skewers with spicy peanut sauce, tequila-lime shrimp shooters, wiener wrapped in puff pastry, spanakopita, cheese platter with cheddar, parmesan, American, feta, various others, baked brie with apricots, lump crab cakes, warm fresh spinach dip, fresh mozzarella with tomato and balsamic vinegar in a baked parmesan shell, fruit table with chocolate fondue, Caesar salad, eggplant lasagna, chicken Venetian, bourbon pork-loin roll, ciabatta bread, sundae bar, bride's cake, bar with 5 wines-soda-water-tea-mixed wine drinks), decorating the car (various condoms, post.it.notes, petroleum jelly, stickers, protractor, car chalk, panties, custard, KY warming & tingling lubrication, keys in the condom, battery disabled {not our idea}, and other things), dancing like nobody's business, beautiful slow dances, groomsmen doing the cha-cha slide (oh yeah, it was killer!), song dedicated to me, me dancing alone to Eifel 65, craziness!, Preston seemed to not really want to go on his honeymoon so I slammed his door and told him to leave and have fun NOW!, 6 guys changing in a tiny bathroom (we were sweaty, it ended up smelling like a nasty junior high locker room), swimming, Chili's for an electric lemonade and more food, everyone was tired.

Day 5 – Everyone was tired. I woke up at 3:15am (CST) and arrived home at 4:05pm (CST), luggage took 40 minutes to get from plane to baggage claim area, I didn't get to see her, Dairy Queen with Faith & Hannah, everyone was tired. Remembering how good it was before I slept for 13 hours.

summary of my day...

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 02:22:05 GMT

June 9th wasn't the hardest or easiest day of my life, but it was a day that I don't know if I would have chosen to live.

Today, my brother got married. The wedding ceremony & reception, which was planned & decorated by me, went wonderful. It was absolutely gorgeous. I thought it was romantic, elegant and the bride/groom really loved it. It was kind of my gift to them. Oh, I did fall after I announced that we were all turning our cell phones off or to vibrate, I kept scooting backwards and rammed into the stage and fell, almost knocking all the roses over. It was a little bit of laughter and we were on the way to me singing, which I felt I did a good job- just not the best I could have. People were impressed, especially those who've never heard me sing. The reception was filled with good food, a beautiful cake and just pure fun.

I came home and the world seemed to be crashing down. I feel barriers to the people I love in my life, because of things that I can't control. I'm going to have to make some changes and I'm not sure what to do. My brother was off with his wife and my parents were at my grandmother's and my grandparents were downstairs. I was rushed with feelings of being alone- I've never felt so lonely in my life. It scared me. I cried for 30 minutes and I wanted to see someone, but no one was available. It was an awful feeling and I still feel that way. I ran to God and His Word and as I read it, I began to feel more lonely. I felt like I wasn't being watched, my life didn't have the hand of God over it guiding me like a rook from the chess board- the way I sometimes wish God directed our lives.

Now, I'm here- nose stuffy, eyes dry, feet hurting, miserable attitude, unhappy, selfish, unthoughtful... I don't want to be this way, I don't want to think this way, but here I am.

What do I do God? Who do I talk to? What do I say? What are the next steps? I want so much so bad, but I'm not sure where I'm heading, who I'm with, what I'm thinking. Do I change or stay the same? Do I think or just leave it be? Do I protest or stay quiet? Am I humble enough? Am I challenged enough? Do I honor you with my words? God, I want some guidance, but I really think you're going to have to slap me in the face with it.

1.. 2... 3... GO!

my response to words

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 04:10:17 GMT

1. Beer: Heineken
2. Anorexic: thin
3. Relationships: love
4. Purple: hot
5. Power Rangers: go, go
6. Weed: smoke
7. Steroids: shrink balls
8. Cartoons: mickey mouse
9. The President: Bill Clinton
10. Tupperware: plastic
11. Florida: Beach
12. Santa Claus: Ho Ho Ho
13. Halloween: Scary
14: bon jovi: music
15. Grammar: School
16: Myspace: complicated
17. Worst Fear: getting shanked
18. Marriage: 3 year plan
19. Paris Hilton: rich
20. Pat: rick
21. Redheads: steamy
22. Blondes: too many
23. Pass the: plate
24. One night stands: sex
25. Donald Trump: rich
26. Neverland: Michael jackson
27. Pixie Stix: baseball
28. Vanilla ice cream: blue bell
29. Hooters: emberassed
30. High school: pineville
31. Pajamas: nope
32. Woody: boner
33. Wet Socks: I hate socks
34. Alcohol: electric lemonade
35. Love: _ _ _ _ _

weddings...

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 17:59:26 GMT

My brother gets married tomorrow and other friends are being married throughout the rest of the summer. They are everywhere. I use to think they are silly, but now I think about how wonderful it is to have your best friend at home with you so that you can sit and watch television, talk about your work, school, whatever. To have someone to cuddle with when it's cold at night and someone to do other stuff with when the urge comes.

One day I want to be married. I want to look into my wife's eyes and say many things to her before a lot of people so that the world knows what I mean and how I feel. I want her to look back and say things that are from her heart. I want to hold her hand and she hold mine and we know we're there to stand up for each other, protect each other, encourage each other, nurture each other. We're both there to make sure we make wise decisions and to accomplish much in this life. I want someone who challenges my life about God. I want to do the same for her.

Love is all around. Wishing I could take a step of faith, but I'm waiting.

it's called chaos

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 05:18:53 GMT

Chaos is what I call today. I've been frustrated, worried, wondering. All because I can't figure the crap out what I'm to do. Even though I know God has blatantly said "be paitent," I don't accept it. I'm not satisfied. Doesn't God know the desires of my heart. I really haven't desired all that much in my life that I brought before God and when I finally do and not take things into my own hands He decides to say "wait patiently." UGH!

Maybe my faith is weak, but I'm somehow confident through all the chaos that God's hand is all over this. He's fingers are moving, they're just moving things REALLY slowly. God would probably make a good chess player. Wish that was around when Jesus was living as a man.

Faith, you helped me think. You brought light into my heart when you talked about bitterness. You shed pure, Godly light into my life and I thank you. It helped me understand the barrier I was having with God. What was causing me to yell & fuss at Him. I'm just not sure what the tears all mean. Do the tears me I'm miserable because I can't have what I want. Or are the tears those of joy, because God's been so good that I can barely wait for Him to arrive once again and say "here's what you want." He's done that SO much, it has amazed me. I've just never responded on the spot, in an honorable way.

I want to do anything I can to prove myself to you. I want to finish my schooling, get a job, provide for whatever you want and need. I want to give you space with your friends and family. I want to be able to communicate my deepest, darkest, most twisted thoughts and listen to yours. I want to pray with you. I want to make it to the end and hear God say "well done." I want to brighten your world. I want to move forward away from the past, the pain, the heartache, the fighting, the troubles, the confusion and say "here it is. a new journey." I want to embrace the future with you. I've spent 4 years saying "I'll be single for a long time." Now it's all changed, in one moment. In one day, I've changed my thoughts and my desires. And they've been changed for months. I want you, so I can cherish you, fight for you, protect you, love you and watch you do the same for me. I just don't know what to do get the opportunity to do that.

What's God doing? I don't know, but I'm sure it'll be spectacular like every other time.